Holiday Basket Case
by Angie Brennan
--------------
Hey, kids, come look at what Aunt Edna sent--it’s our annual holiday gift basket of food-
like products! Calm down, Jeremy. Yes, it’s really here! Your ol' dad wouldn’t kid around
about something like that.
Sure, son, so ahead and launch in on the ever-popular Thrice-Smoked Beef Cylinder. I don’
t think you’re likely to find such a fine hunk o’ sodium-intensive protein anywhere.
Whoops--looks like you forgot to remove the paper wrapper first. No taste difference?
Then gnaw away, son, gnaw away!
Yes, Trish, you get to dig around in the festive shredded plastic for the disks of pasteurized
process cheese food. Remember the great time you and your friends had last December
playing street hockey with those Gouda disks? Aunt Edna knows we like our food to be
fun!
Let’s see, now...hey, dear--check it out! It’s a drawstring bag filled with ingredients for
making our very own homemade apple cinnamon muffins! Here you go; let us know when
those muffins are ready and you’re done cleaning up. Have fun!
Oh, ho, ho, kids--here’s Dad’s favorite: Old-Fashioned Fancy Carbohydrate Wafers. No
one can tell me these things don’t make a fine receptacle for this delicious pemmican-kiwi-
hazelnut spread. Hey, let’s not forget the tradition of digging out last year’s spread from the
back of the fridge and throwing it out! Remember how Sparky barked and barked and hid
when we tried to give him some? Where is Sparky, that little devil? Come, boy! Get out
from under the couch, Sparky; we aren’t breaking out the spread just yet. Ha, ha! What
special memory-inducing family moments Aunt Edna’s basket provides!
Here we are...a tin of our favorite Choker’s Delight Giant Peppermint Candy Drops. You
kids remember how to do the Heimlich maneuver, right? All right then, enjoy!
Well, now here’s something new....Petite Pablum Pastries. Oooh, it comes in three
varieties: Bland Berry, Vapid Vanilla, and Listless Lemon.
Hey, dear--how are those muffins coming along? Dear? Where’d Mom go? Hmm--maybe
she ran to the store to pick up a bottle of our traditional holiday Tums. I think we’re going
to need it this year, aren’t we Sparky?
Ah…the sparkling non-alcoholic grape drink with Taste Celebration Flavor Enhancers is
better than ever! And now, let’s raise our glasses and offer a toast to the provider of this
culinary cheer. To Aunt Edna! And happy holidays to all!
©2007
by Angie Brennan
--------------
Hey, kids, come look at what Aunt Edna sent--it’s our annual holiday gift basket of food-
like products! Calm down, Jeremy. Yes, it’s really here! Your ol' dad wouldn’t kid around
about something like that.
Sure, son, so ahead and launch in on the ever-popular Thrice-Smoked Beef Cylinder. I don’
t think you’re likely to find such a fine hunk o’ sodium-intensive protein anywhere.
Whoops--looks like you forgot to remove the paper wrapper first. No taste difference?
Then gnaw away, son, gnaw away!
Yes, Trish, you get to dig around in the festive shredded plastic for the disks of pasteurized
process cheese food. Remember the great time you and your friends had last December
playing street hockey with those Gouda disks? Aunt Edna knows we like our food to be
fun!
Let’s see, now...hey, dear--check it out! It’s a drawstring bag filled with ingredients for
making our very own homemade apple cinnamon muffins! Here you go; let us know when
those muffins are ready and you’re done cleaning up. Have fun!
Oh, ho, ho, kids--here’s Dad’s favorite: Old-Fashioned Fancy Carbohydrate Wafers. No
one can tell me these things don’t make a fine receptacle for this delicious pemmican-kiwi-
hazelnut spread. Hey, let’s not forget the tradition of digging out last year’s spread from the
back of the fridge and throwing it out! Remember how Sparky barked and barked and hid
when we tried to give him some? Where is Sparky, that little devil? Come, boy! Get out
from under the couch, Sparky; we aren’t breaking out the spread just yet. Ha, ha! What
special memory-inducing family moments Aunt Edna’s basket provides!
Here we are...a tin of our favorite Choker’s Delight Giant Peppermint Candy Drops. You
kids remember how to do the Heimlich maneuver, right? All right then, enjoy!
Well, now here’s something new....Petite Pablum Pastries. Oooh, it comes in three
varieties: Bland Berry, Vapid Vanilla, and Listless Lemon.
Hey, dear--how are those muffins coming along? Dear? Where’d Mom go? Hmm--maybe
she ran to the store to pick up a bottle of our traditional holiday Tums. I think we’re going
to need it this year, aren’t we Sparky?
Ah…the sparkling non-alcoholic grape drink with Taste Celebration Flavor Enhancers is
better than ever! And now, let’s raise our glasses and offer a toast to the provider of this
culinary cheer. To Aunt Edna! And happy holidays to all!
©2007
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