A few months ago I read about the Happy Tales Literary Contest sponsored by the
University of Montana, held in conjunction with their yearly book festival. The goal? To
rewrite the ending of a tragic play, story, or poem to make it happy.
     "What?" I said to myself when I read this. "They are encouraging people to take a work
of literature that someone has carefully and lovingly crafted and give it a happy ending,
thereby cheapening and, in effect, mocking the efforts of its original creator? Sounds like
something right up my alley!"
     Winners receive cash and the coveted Nahum Tate cup, named for a 17th century
writer who tweaked the ending to Shakespeare's "King Lear" so it wouldn't be such a
downer.
     I chose the French play "Cyrano de Bergerac" by Edmond Rostand to cheapen and
demean. Unfortunately my entry didn't win, but I thought I'd share my efforts anyway. Enjoy!

Cyrano’s Heart Knows Repose
By Angie Brennan

ACT FIVE: Scene VI

At the park of the convent, where Cyrano has arrived for his weekly meeting with Roxanne. She has just discovered that it
was Cyrano, not Christian, who wrote the poetic, passionate letters she has treasured for so long. Cyrano’s friends, Le Bret
and Ragueneau, are searching frantically for Cyrano after discovering that he has received a serious head wound from an
enemy. They hurry toward toward Cyrano and Roxanne, who are seated near a large tree.

            LE BRET
I should have known we would find him here! He has never missed a visit…

            CYRANO
And why should today be any different?

            RAGUENEAU
Because today, my friend, you received a mortal wound.

            ROXANNE
(Starting) Oh! Cyrano, what does he mean?

(Cyrano removes his hat and bows with a flourish, revealing bandages now soaked with blood. Roxanne, Le Bret, and
Ragueneau cry out in alarm).

            CYRANO
Ah, for the first time the top of my head is more interesting than the tip of my nose! I should have arranged this injury long ago.

            LE BRET
And even now you laugh and jest…

            RAGUENEAU
O, sir…

            CYRANO
No, Ragueneau, this weeping will never do. Let your tears flow rather from your pen.

            RAGUENEAU
B--but I’m no longer a poet.

            CYRANO
I was not aware you had become one.

            LE BRET
(Laughing, despite himself) Go easy on our versatile friend, Cyrano! Ragueneau has dabbled in pastries and poetry---now he turns to
poultices.

             RAGUENEAU
Le Bret is right. I have become a seller of tonics and medicines. (Holds up large bag) Why, I have a medicine here for virtually any
kind of illness!

            CYRANO
Except, I think, one that could heal a mortal head wound.

            ROXANNE
Oh!

            RAGUENEAU
Well, now that you mention it…(Pulls out several bottles and studies the labels) Here we are…Caputoxen: effective for treatment
of gaping head wounds, particularly those resulting from a heavy object being dropped from a great height.

            ROXANNE
Cyrano, you must try it!

            RAGUENEAU
(Continues reading) Take three times a day by mouth. If digestive discomfort occurs, drink a glass of milk with each dose.

            CYRANO
Milk…ugh. Death would be preferable. (Stumbles and steadies himself against a tree)

            ROXANNE
Oh, no! Cyrano!

            LE BRET
Hurry, Ragueneau, he hasn’t much time!

            RAGUENEAU
(Struggling with the bottle) These cursed lids! It takes a genius to open them!

            CYRANO
(He smiles weakly, trembling)  In that case, Ragueneau, I fear there is no hope for me.

            LE BRET
(Snatches the bottle)  Let me have it!  (Wrenches the lid off, pulls out a capsule, and hurries toward Cyrano) Take this, my
friend. (He places it in Cyrano’s mouth)  I’m afraid I’m not in the habit of carrying milk in my flask; let us make do with wine.

            CYRANO
(Swallowing with great effort). If Ragueneau’s medicine is half as weak as his poetry, I shall need the entire bottle.

            ROXANNE
Look! Can it be my imagination, or does his complexion already grow less pale?  (She hurries to Cyrano’s side and places her hand
on his arm.) Cyrano, my love, tell me the medicine is helping you!

            CYRANO
The medicine? (Slowly, he stands up straight and gazes into her eyes) My darling, your love is a balm a thousand times stronger
than any man-made remedy.

            RAGUENEAU
(Muttering) Perhaps, but my remedy certainly didn’t do you any harm.

            LE BRET
It’s a miracle! Cyrano, your strength is returning!

            CYRANO
Yes! I feel as though I could soar with the eagles.

            RAGUENEAU
(Rummaging again through his bag, he pulls out another bottle and scans the label)  
Here’s another that might interest you, Cyrano. Proboscisillin: indicated for nasal reduction. External use only. Rub cream on nose
twice daily for--

            CYRANO
(Suddenly leaps forward, draws his sword, and points the tip toward Ragueneau’s heart).
You are not, I hope, implying that my magnificent nose should be altered in any way?

            RAGUENEAU
I, no…I mean, I didn’t think--

            CYRANO
(Laughs, sheaths his sword, and slaps him heartily on the shoulder). Don’t worry, my old friend, I’m only teasing you! I must
thank you, Ragueneau; you have saved my life--and found your calling at last.  (Cyrano turns and walks back to Roxanne. He drops
down on one knee in front of her and takes her hands in his).
Roxanne, my love--

            ROXANNE
(Weeping with joy). Cyrano…oh, to think, all these years it was your words I held close to my heart…

            CYRANO
My darling, would you--- (He pauses and wrinkles his brow)

            ROXANNE
Yes? What is it?

            CYRANO
You haven’t become a nun have you?

            ROXANNE
No, dearest.

            CYRANO
In that case…Roxanne, my heart and my life, will you marry me?

            ROXANNE
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

(Cyrano rises to his feet. He takes her in his arms and draws her face close to his…)

            ROXANNE
Ow!

            CYRANO
My dear, I am sorry! Drat this cursed nose!

            ROXANNE
Never mind, darling; we’ll work around the nose. Even so, Ragueneau, perhaps you could leave behind a bottle of that cream you
mentioned.

            CYRANO
Come, Roxanne; my heart fairly bursts with the yearning it has hidden lo these many years. I have so many things to tell you…(Cyrano
and Roxanne walk off into the sunset, hand in hand)

            LE BRET
Well, my dear Ragueneau, (He lifts his flask of wine), here’s to true love!  (He takes a sip and hands the flask to Ragueneau).

            RAGUENEAU
To love! To Cyrano and Roxanne! (He drinks) Now, at last, she knows.

            LE BRET
I’d be careful about using that word if I were you.
(They walk away together, laughing.)

CURTAIN
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copyright 2006, Angie Brennan