Superego Platform

The New Yorker magazine has a long tradition of including an occasional humorous riff on a news story in their "Shouts and Murmurs" section. The news items are often gleaned from the pages of The New York Times.

The following quote comes from that paper, in a story entitled "In This Turn at the Top, Democrats Seek the Middle on Social Issues." Keep in mind that although the story concerns politics (which is usually fertile ground for the humorist) my piece isn't making any broad political point, other than to poke fun at what I consider to be a silly statement.

And so in the spirit, if not with the skill, of "Shouts" writers, and of Freud, I offer a...

SUPEREGO PLATFORM

"Since then, [Democratic] party leaders say, they have tried hard to connect with those voters, to convince them that, as Senator Charles E. Schumer of New York said, 'We are not a bunch of libertines who want to see the superego of society disappear.'"
--From The New York Times

Good afternoon, and thank you for coming today.

You might wonder why we Democrats are holding a rally here in Brooklyn on this windy March afternoon. We're here, though the thaw of spring has not yet fully come, to assure you our constituents that...hold on a minute. Excuse me...you, fellow over there on the left. Do me a favor and lose the ball cap. And tuck in that shirt, for crying out loud! You're, what--in your late 20's? Early 30's? Beep. Beep. Beep. Oh, listen--the maturity alarm clock is going off. Time to grow up!

Ahem. We gather here to assure you, the voters of New York and the voters of America, that we...wait a minute. Waaait a minute. I notice that some of you young women are dressed rather, shall we say, inappropriately for a public setting. Ladies: did you come here to participate in political dialogue or to display yourselves like so many prize heifers? Could we get a few volunteers to lend their jackets or something? Thanks. Thank you, sir. That's better. Are you people not even cold? Sigh. So. I as I was saying...

We want to assure you voters that your Democratic Party is NOT a bunch of libertines. As a matter of fact---oh, nice. Real nice. Did you see the way that boy over there wrenched the bag of potato chips from his little brother? Wonderful role model, isn't he, folks? And don't even get me started on the trans fat thing. One has to wonder about parents who let their kids have access to that kind of so-called snack. Hey, Mom and Dad, ever heard of carrot sticks? You know--those orange things kids use as a snowman's nose? Or maybe you've never helped your kid build a snowman. Maybe both of you are so busy with careers and mortgage payments and trips to the gym that you haven't noticed your kids in awhile. Oh, wait, I forgot! You bought them each an Xbox for Christmas. A little "guilt payment" AND a convenient way to keep them out of your hair. Plus a great interactive tool for learning how to shoot each other. Sweet!

What was I...oh, yes. The Democratic Party. We have no desire whatsoever to see the superego of society disappear. As a matter of fact, we would like to see more of it--lots more! Remember that in the future when you go to the polls. You do plan to vote, right? I assume you don't have any qualms about using public roads, public transportation, public libraries...but you can't make a little room in your schedule to do your public duty? You people make me sick. You're the types always grumbling about jury duty, too. Oh! So sorry that the price of freedom is too high for you! Let me tell you something...you can just take your pathetic thrift shop democracy and--

Uh-oh, looks like my "handlers" are signaling that we're out of time! Thank you all for coming. I hope we've connected with you here today. Let's go forth together to create a better tomorrow! And for the love of whatever deity you may or may not worship--keep off the grass.

Doing My Part for Litter-acy

Baltimore has a litter problem--and Mayor Sheila Dixon has had about enough of it. Her plan of attack? To create an anti-litter campaign. The Baltimore Sun recently ran a story by news reporter Jill Rosen on the city's search for a slogan. But, as Rosen reports, "A stroll down memory lane, in Baltimore's case, is littered with failed cleanup initiatives."

Her piece also includes an amusing run-down of past anti-litter efforts around the nation, including the crying Indian and the “Don’t Mess with Texas” slogan, which eventually took on a life of its own, leaving thoughts of Lone Star litter in the dust.

Says Rosen:

In Cincinnati - and they're quite proud of this one - they urge: "Don't Trash the 'Nati."

Linda Holterhoff, the executive director of Cincinnati Beautiful, knew that slogan had potential when she didn’t get it and her board hated it.

“You just can’t have a group of old people do this,” she says, adding that their target audience was male litterbugs aged 15 to 32. “We would go out and talk to groups all the time about litter prevention. It came to our attention that we were preaching to the choir.”

I think the idea of targeting males aged 15-32 as leading litterbugs has a great deal of merit. So how can Baltimore effectively reach this particular group with its campaign? Sports, of course! But why stop there? If the city does this thing right, it can promote literature, local history, team spirit, and proper trash disposal.

Here’s my suggestion: a variation of the famous poem by Baltimorean Edgar Allan Poe. “The Raven,” of course, gave Baltimore its football team name and mascot. Maybe it can also give Baltimore its campaign to stop drive-by disposal.

And so I offer my anti-litter anthem, “The Ravens.”

The Ravens
By Angie Brennan

Once upon a midnight dreary, with my eyes grown red and bleary,
I drove home while munching snacks I’d bought at the convenience store.
Speeding onward, nearly napping, tossing bags and candy wrapping
Out the window they went flapping, adding to the trash galore.
“Tis just little bits,” I muttered, “flying out my 4 x 4--
Only this, and nothing more.”

Turning, then, into my driveway--I believe it was a Friday--
I rolled up my windows and shut off the engine’s mighty roar.
Sleepily, I checked the mail, dumping flyers that screamed “SALE!”
Ditching ads for books in Braille, coupons for the grocery store.
Strewing paper down the walkway I arrived at my front door,
Wanting rest and nothing more.

Entering the darkened dwelling, suddenly I started yelling--
There before me stood a group of men, methought, I’d seen before!
Clothed in purple, grave and brooding, brawny--not a paunch protruding--
“Why,” thought I, “were they intruding, standing on my kitchen floor--
Scowling mutely, nothing more?”

Then one burly man came nearer: “Let me make our purpose clearer.
You may wonder why the team is gathered here at 12:04...
I’m afraid we’re somewhat bitter; you’ve been spawning too much litter.
Let’s all make our city fitter! Our fair town of Baltimore
Has declared a refuse war.”

"Friend!" I cried, "halfback or center--you have been a helpful mentor.
I've been acting like a renter, not an owner, of Earth's orb.
You've made clear what once was hazy. Dumping trash outside is crazy!
Shall I keep on being lazy, making highways an eyesore?"
Quoth the Ravens, "Nevermore."

“Yes,” said I, “I’ve been delinquent. From now on I’ll make more frequent
Trips to use the trash can with the zeal of Al ‘The Earth Man’ Gore.
Thank you, Ravens, for your chiding. No more tossing trash while riding
Since our city’s not abiding roadside dumping anymore.
Let’s use trash cans, Baltimore!”

After I’d been reprimanded, one by one the team disbanded.
“Hey,” I called, “Good luck to you with your new Ravens Litter Corps!
Hope you have a winning season; don't forget this is the reason
That you guys earn hefty fees in your home town of Baltimore."
Quoth the Ravens: “Super Bowl forty-two, here we come! Also, please don’t litter.”

~~~~~~~~~

Now, I’m having some fun with this, but I do think it’s a shame when people dump their trash on the side of the road. So will all that finally stop when somebody comes up with the magic anti-litter campaign, slogan, jingle, or other gimmick?

Quoth this writer: Nevermore.

Dental Drive-Through: A Modest Proposal

The "Suburban Scene" magazine, in which my humor column Banter from the Burbs appears each month, is now online. You can read my March column here.

Note: Ordinarily, I don't receive a great deal of feedback from readers. This month, however, I received some enthusiastic response. And by enthusiastic response, I mean several dental auxiliaries e-mailed to inform me that only a dental hygienist--not a dental assistant--is licensed to examine and clean teeth. Guess I hit a nerve with that piece of dental work! (ba-dum pshhh).

The next time I write humor about an imaginary trip to the dentist, I may include the following:

WARNING: This column is intended to be humor. Any “factual errors” have been purposely placed there for dramatic or humorous effect, linguistic flow, or because the author didn’t feel like looking it up in Wiki. For maximum appreciation, those in the dental care field may want to consider self-administering a dose of nitrous oxide before reading. While the author would prefer that the laughs be produced by the wit and humor of the writing, the author will take laughs however she can get them.

Of course, then I'd get angry e-mails from those not knowing this was tongue-in-cheek to scold me for encouraging drug abuse.

I wonder...is this sort of thing the reason Dave Barry stopped writing his weekly column?

Using Your Noodle This Month

Did you know that March is Noodle Month? That's right--it's that time of the year again when we venerate vermicelli and laud lasagna! But are you truly prepared to observe it properly? How much do you know about the noodle? Try this brief quiz:

1. What are some good uses for fettuccini?

A. There are none
B. As a bookmark (not recommended for use in hardcover works of Ayn Rand or any other excessively wordy author)
C. As the main ingredient in fettuccini Alfredo, one of the highest-fat yet tasteless dishes known to mankind

2. Which noodle is most likely to be used in a child's science project about railroad tracks?

A. Linguine
B. Ristretto
C. Mine. And I just hate it when I have to do my kid's science project.

3. Should rice be used at wedding receptions?

A. No. Cake tastes better.
B. Guests should throw birdseed instead of rice.
C. Why make a rule about it? Guests should throw Kleenex™, dimes, cashews, library cards, PDA styli, or whatever they happen to have on hand.

4. Does chicken noodle soup really help relieve colds?

A. Yes
B. No; it's simply a way for savvy mothers to sneak a little extra sodium into their children's diets
C. Only if you add Ny-Quil

5. Which do you think is the worst time-waster?

A. Making your own noodles from scratch
B. Doing crafts with dried macaroni
C. Taking tests about noodles.

Correct answers:
1. B
2. C
3. A
4. C
5. A, B, and C

And now, a little poem I cooked up in honor of Noodle month, served here for your enjoyment:

March for Noodles

Three cheers for noodles! Pasta strips
That so enrich our lives.
They're good with sausage, good with cheese,
With garlic, oil, or chives.

They're glued on paper--food turned art.
They're yellow, red, or green.
Spaghetti cooked and cooled is used
As brains at Halloween.

All hail, thou noodle: vital part
Of tasty Ramen soup.
We dedicate this month to you,
O low-fat, starch food group!

Incidentally, March is also Middle School month. Of course, there's no reason you can't observe both--and St. Patrick's Day to boot. Here's an idea: hold a St. Patty's Noodle Sale at your son's middle school in lieu of a bake sale with the traditional shamrock-shaped cookies. You could sell individual servings of dishes made with green pasta, for example, this tempting delicacy--though perhaps without the pine nuts, which bear an unfortunate resemblance to maggots. A group of 12-year-old girls screaming, "EEWWW! That's, like, SO GROSS!" will definitely not help sales.

It is possible that your son will suffer permanent psychological damage after his fellow middle schoolers begin calling him the "Noodle Nerd." And yet that's the risk we take when we fully commit to honoring Noodle Month. And so, together let us cry: long live linguine! At least until April gets here.