Navigation Systems: Will They Drive Us Crazy?

I’m not sure how I feel about these newfangled car navigation systems that use computer-generated voices. With this technology, drivers are given real-time instructions, directed by the computer to “go three miles,” or “turn left here.” It can even offer commentary on driving behavior, such as “you are driving 15 miles over the speed limit,” a function previously performed by the driver’s wife. Future models may someday include such exhortations as, “There’s no point in tailgating that guy,” or “Would you please stop whistling, This Land is Your Land?”

Of course, the computer may not be as helpful as you think. Take the recent example of a German motorist. According to one news report, after his navigation system ordered him to “Turn right now!” the driver obeyed and promptly went off the road, up a stairway, and into a small toilet hut. I certainly hope no one was “visiting the hut” at the time, but it seems to me that if you choose to install your toilet hut at the top of a stairway, you’re just asking for trouble.

One has to admire the loyalty of this guy to his navigation system. “Hmm,” he must have been thinking, “I don’t remember the parking lot at Karl’s apartment being up a flight of stairs…but, darn it, if my onboard computer says to turn right, I’m going to turn right! I just hope I can get that plunger off my hood without damaging the paint.”

I think I’ll stick to the traditional MapQuest printout (which is traditionally left behind on the kitchen counter) for my navigational needs. But I wouldn’t mind having an onboard computer to give me other helpful hints. Some examples:

“Yo, Leadfoot---we’re coming up on that corner where the cops like to hang out.”

“Approaching a drive-thru Starbucks. May I suggest a Grande Banana Caramel Frappuccino this time?”

“You’ll find that missing jazz CD under the left rear seat…not to mention a couple of bucks in change.”

“You might want to think about stopping by the library to return Moby Dick, since you’ve had it checked out for six months and are still on page 20. He doesn’t get the whale, by the way.”

“If you really give it the gas and squeeze in front of that Dodge Caravan, you can shave a good 0.3 seconds off your travel time.”

As for getting lost, if you’ve forgotten to bring along your MapQuest directions, you can always stop and ask for help. I’m sure people would be more than happy to tell you where to go--especially if you just ran into their toilet hut.

Angie's Advice: Vandalism

Dear Angie,
What is it that keeps most people from rearranging letters on roadside reader-board signs? Laziness, ethics, or what?
Sincerely,
Sign of the Times

Dear Sign,
Probably they’re already late for work. Maybe there’s a policeman hanging out nearby. But, no doubt, reader-board rearranging can be a difficult-to-resist impulse. Who among us has driven by a roadside sign that reads “FREE SODA WITH PURCHASE OF BURGER,” and not been tempted to rearrange the letters to spell “O HI HUGS AFTERWARD FOR BEER CUPS.” Not many, I would be willing to bet. Of course, then there’s the question of what to do with that extra “E.” In today’s computer age, I don’t see a problem with creating the word “E-HUGS,” but reader board vandal purists may disagree on that point. Many people, unsure of what to do, simply end up pocketing the “E,” which is why you so often see signs that read: “SAL TODAY!! 50% OFF!!!”

That’s another thing…what’s up with all those exclamation points you always see?

My guess is that reader board sales companies offer them as buying incentives:

Salesman: “So, my friend, what’ll it take for you to bring one of these babies home today? An extra neon arrow on top? You want a model with wheels? Hey, I’ve got it…we’ll throw in a bonus pack of one-hundred brand-spankin’ new exclamation points! How’s that sound? Pretty sweet, huh? Deal? Great!”

The exclamation points, incidentally, can be used in a pinch as a lowercase “i” when turned upside down. Not that I’ve ever really given a second thought to vandalizing reader boards! Ridiculous!

(Helpful Hint: “PLEASE PARK IN BACK” can be rearranged to spell “ASK A CLIPPER BANK.” Discard the extra “E,” unless you prefer to go with “E-BANK.”)
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Dear Angie,
The other day, a few of my friends went to hang out at the mall and then to deface some public buildings. I realized later, to my horror, that I had not brought along any paint—not even a stick of chalk. Any suggestions for make-shift graffiti tools?
Sincerely,
Urban Artist

Dear Artist,
Ah yes--what to do if you’ve gone out on the town without your spray can. Not to worry…look no further than your make-up bag! Here are some suggestions:

1. Waterproof eyeliner: Don’t be afraid to try some of the newer “sparkly funky” colors; I think you’ll be pleased with the result.
2. Super Long-Lastin’ Lip Color with SPF 15 lip balm: Bold, beautiful coverage--plus the comfort that comes from knowing your graffiti will be protected from harmful UV rays
3. Face powder, loose or compact: Give your artwork a soft, subdued look by gently patting it with your favorite shade of powder. Experiment with the every-other-letter-powdered look; you can always go back and powder the remaining letters if you feel the effect is too jarring.

Remember, there are no right or wrong substitutions—think outside the box! At least while you can, since you may spend the night in a jail cell if you’re caught. Good luck!

Happy Birthday, Plum

October 15 is the birthday of British comic writer P.G. Wodehouse, who was known to his friends as “Plum.” Here are some fun Wodehouse quotes:

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of someone who had searched for the leak in life's gas pipe with a lighted candle.”

*************

“‘There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?’

‘The mood will pass, sir.’”

*************

“‘Pardon me, but I wonder if you would care for a cup of tea?’ was what he wanted to say, but, as so often happened with him when in the presence of the opposite sex, he could get no farther than a sort of sizzling sound like a cockroach calling to its young.”

*************

“He was still singing when Mrs. Wardle entered with a dish.

‘What’s this?’ demanded Augustine, eyeing it dangerously.

‘A nice fried egg, sir.’

‘And what, pray, do you mean by nice? It may be an amiable egg. It may be a civil, well-meaning egg. But if you think it is fit for human consumption, adjust that impression. Go back to your kitchen, woman; select another; and remember this time that you are a cook, not an incinerating machine. Between an egg that is fried and an egg that is cremated there is a wide and substantial difference. This difference, if you wish to retain me as a lodger in these far too expensive rooms, you will endeavor to appreciate.’”

*************

“Breakfast was a success, for my mother was a philosopher. She said very little, but what she did say was magnificent. In her youth she had moved in literary circles, and now found her daily pleasure in the works of Schopenhauer, Kant, and other Germans. Her lightest reading was Sartor Resartus, and occasionally she would drop into Ibsen and Maeterlinck, the asparagus of her philosophic banquet.”

*************

“The drowsy stillness of the afternoon was shattered by what sounded to his strained senses like G. K. Chesterton falling on a sheet of tin.”

*************

More good ones here.

Yahoo! It’s an E-Capsule.

Yesterday Yahoo began collecting contributions for an electronic time capsule, the creation of artist Jonathan Harris. “The Internet giant,” reports a news story, “invited people worldwide to contribute pictures, videos, songs, ideas, drawings or anything else they could digitize for a ‘first-ever electronic anthropology project’ to document human life in 2006.” The time capsule will be buried in Silicon Valley; the data will also be converted into an optic stream and beamed into space at a ceremony to be held in Mexico later this month. It’s not clear who are the intended recipients of the largest attached file ever sent; perhaps Yahoo suspects there are hidden inhabitants in the outer reaches of the Milky Way. If so, let’s hope they aren’t still using dial-up.

“You don’t have to be a gadget hound or tech savvy to know how to do these things any more,” says Yahoo editor-in-chief Srinija Srinivasan. Not sure what Srinivasan means by “these things,” but if she’s referring to converting data into an optic stream which is directed into the outer reaches of space, I must have missed the class on that one (though I am able to beam contact entries from my Palm Pilot to someone standing nearby).

Themes from which contributors may choose include love, anger, fun, sorrow, faith, beauty, past, now, hope and you. Below are my thoughts on each of these topics:

Love--Double-espresso. It’s hot!
Anger--When I find out, as the dental assistant is poking at my molars, that a cleaning is no longer included in the price of a regular check-up
Fun--A James Thurber humor essay collection, a bag of Jordan almonds, and a recliner
Sorrow--Guests who want to play Scrabble after dinner or, God forbid, a game of bridge
Faith--That those guys at the car repair shop will fix the brake pads without “discovering” a “needed” expensive transmission repair. Yeah right, fellows--interesting that the transmission seemed just fine before I got here. (Maybe this should have gone under “anger.”)
Beauty--The bright shade of green on a traffic light when you’re running late for soccer pick-up
Past--Let’s all stop for a moment of silent thanks that upturned polo-shirt collars and leg warmers are no longer fashionable.
Now--See my contribution (note: Yahoo Time Capsule apparently doesn’t like curly apostrophes; it should be “don’t,” not “donât”).
Hope--That spinach won’t be back on the grocery store shelves anytime soon
You--See above

So how about you? What are some of your thoughts, associations, and/or descriptions of any of these themes? Comments on this blog won’t be sent to the Plutonians--but they’d probably delete e-mail from Earth as spam anyway. And who can blame them, now that we’ve downgraded their “planet?”

Happy World Smile Day! : )

Did you know that today, October 6, is World Smile Day? Held each year on the first Friday in October, it was first celebrated seven years ago in Worcester, Massachusetts.

And just what, you may ask, does Worcester have to smile about? (Other than hearing non-natives attempt to pronounce the word “Worcester”).

The smiley-face, that’s what. Harvey Ball, a commercial artist from Worcester, came up with the symbol in 1963 as part of a client’s morale-boosting campaign. The client, State Mutual Life Assurance Company, handed out smiley-face buttons to its employees, encouraging them to be friendly and courteous to customers while they were denying their claims.

I don’t know about this encouraging people to smile stuff. Personally, I think we could all do with a little less of it. Just take a look at those numerous ads featuring groups of people overcome with acute fits of hilarity over, say, a new cell phone, a pair of jeans, or a honey-glazed ham. The unspoken assumption here is that if you buy the advertised product, you, too, can attain youth, joyful camaraderie, and teeth with that bright just-Photoshopped look.

And the problem isn’t just in print--strangers smiling at me in person make me nervous, too. Why are they smiling? Should I smile back? Is this someone from my neighborhood with whom I’m on waving terms but have never actually seen up close? Maybe it’s somebody on a cell phone call using one of those tiny ear phones I can’t see, which I’ll realize after I return the smile and hear him mutter, “Hang on--some weirdo is grinning at me.” Or perhaps it’s someone smirking at the fact that I’m walking around the grocery store having forgotten to remove my name tag that says, “Hi! I’m Trevor’s Mom!” (An unlikely scenario, granted, since I don’t have a child named Trevor).

But back to Worcester…the Harvey Ball World Smile Foundation sponsors a contest in conjunction with the World Smile Day festivities. This year’s theme: “Keep Your Eyes on the Pies.” No, it won’t involve cows, but it may make the contestants just as sick; it’s a pie-eating contest. Now I enjoy a good apple pie as much as the next person, but it seems to me that frantically shoveling in mouthful after mouthful of any dessert wouldn’t tend to induce a smile. It would tend to induce indigestion.

I just hope that when somebody collapses from hyperglycemia in the middle of the contest, the city’s insurance will cover it. I wouldn’t count on it, though, especially if they use State Mutual Life.

At least they’ll get their denial with a smile.

Happy Tales to You

A few months ago I read about the Happy Tales Literary Contest, sponsored by the University of Montana in conjunction with their yearly book festival. The goal? To rewrite the ending of a tragic play, story, or poem to make it happy.

"What?" I said to myself when I read this. "They are encouraging people to take a work of literature that someone has carefully and lovingly crafted and give it a happy ending, thereby cheapening and, in effect, mocking the efforts of its original creator? Sounds like something right up my alley!"

Winners receive cash and the coveted Nahum Tate cup, named for a 17th century writer who tweaked the ending to Shakespeare'’s "“King Lear" so it wouldn'’t be such a downer.

I chose the French play "“Cyrano de Bergerac,"by Edmond Rostand, to cheapen and demean. Unfortunately, my entry didn'’t win (you can see this and past years' winning entries here), but I thought I'’d share my efforts anyway:

Cyrano's Heart Knows Repose