Santa Letter Like You've Never Seen

Remember the fun you had as a child during the holiday season with a piece of notebook paper, a crayon, and dreams of all the things you hoped to get for Christmas? And how your mother leaned over to glance at your letter to Santa and said, with a smile, “Corvette has two ‘t’s,’ sweetie. But if you think Santa is going to bring you one of those, you must be even more dim-witted than your poor math grades indicate.” Ah, the holiday memories!

But I’ll bet you don’t remember ever getting a reply from Santa. Now, thanks to eBay, your child can receive that letter you never got--straight from the North Pole! Well, Canada, anyway.

One eBay seller from Ontario is offering a personalized letter from Santa with “North Pole Alaska postmark, all enclosed in a larger envelope...giving you the opportunity to read the contents first.” A nice security touch, in case one of those mischievous Canadian elves encourages the child to write back and include his parents’ bank account info.

But the letter is much more than a wonderful way to make the magic of the season come alive for a special child…it’s also a wonderful way to browbeat that child in the name of Jolly Old St. Nick. The item description asks buyers to include, among other things, “your parental wish for a child--wish my child would clean her/his room, do homework first, etc.” You better watch out, Billy, and I’m telling you why: Santa Claus isn’t feeling too jolly about those math grades.

You can even choose what type of letter you’d like Santa to write, including--and I quote:

• Traditional Loving Letter From Santa
• Wonderful Letter from Hi-Tech Santa
• Humorous Letter from Santa
• Letter from Santa with Environmental Concerns

I think we can pretty much imagine the “traditional loving” letter from Santa, but what about the others?

Maybe something like this…

From Hi-Tech Santa:

billy--hey, how r u? b n good? yr math grades r not 2 gr8 i hear. LOL! Try 2 do better, k? c u on X-mas. --the big S

Humorous Letter from Santa:

Dear Billy,

So these three priests walk into a bar---hold on a minute, son, wrong joke list! Okay, here we go…

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow way you’re getting that Xbox with those crummy math grades.

Ho, ho, ho! Just a humorous reminder, my young friend, that you should work hard in school--very hard. At least until the Christmas break. (Kidding! Just a little joke for you parents who are pre-reading this letter.)

One more…
Q: Does Santa ever use eBay?
A: No, the elves always do his bidding.

Shaking Like a Bowlful of Jelly,
St. Nick

p.s. Parents: be sure and check out our other auction items!

Letter from Santa with Environmental Concerns:

Dear Billy,

I write to you (on 100% post consumer recycled paper) from the North Pole, where evidence of our planet’s shrinking ozone layer can be seen with frightening clarity. The elves, who this very moment are working on a solar panel to power my entire workshop, are waiting for me to tell them what toys they should make for you. I think they’ll have to wait a bit longer, Billy--at least until we see how you do on that upcoming long division test.

I don’t think I need remind you that your math grades aren’t too impressive right now. If you want something besides grass biofuel pellets in your stocking (I don’t use coal anymore), I suggest you make some quick and marked improvements in that area. Here’s a little math question to give you some extra practice:

Q: If every commuter car in the U.S. carried one extra person, we’d save eight billion gallons of gas per year. How much gas would we save if each car carried three more people?
A: Not nearly enough to stop the horrific and relentless spiral of destruction we are bringing upon our fragile planet.

Have a Green Christmas,
Santa Claus

p.s. About those milk and cookies…please try to make them organic this year.

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Hurry, parents; bidding ends December 11!