Home-Spam Wisdom

Most of the time I delete them without a second thought. When you see an e-mail from “Georgia Gorganzola Grambling,” it’s pretty clear you’re dealing with spam. But every once in a while, with my finger hovering over “delete,” I’ll let the words of the subject line sink in.

For example, I recently received an e-mail entitled, “Cremation Loudness.”

Whoa. Was this a call to face, if only for a moment, the screaming reality of our own mortality we are often quick to suppress? Was it suggesting that cremation, with its vivid and terrifying imagery of burning, is psychologically “louder”--that is, more traumatic for survivors, than traditional burial?

No; no, it wasn’t. It was an invitation to buy software at deeply discounted prices. Still, it made one think.

Or another: “Your mother has always dreamed of having sweet grandkids.” What wisdom could this subject line impart to me? Do I need to step back and consider more carefully my children's character development? Should I focus more on encouraging them to be kind and thoughtful than on expecting good grades--building that which will remain long after they’ve finished grappling with geometry proofs and book reports?

Possibly. But the sender would be just as happy if I would take advantage of their special offer for two-color premium business cards--sale ends Friday.

This one had a thought-provoking title: “Medication that you need.” Perhaps this was a commentary on the overmedicating of America...do we really need all those pills we’re taking? Are there alternatives available in some cases, whether it be lifestyle and diet changes, homeopathic remedies, or simply good, old-fashioned self control? Which medicines do we truly need?

Well, whatever they are, the sender is more than willing to sell them. Along with a few of the ones we don’t need so much.

So many nuggets of wisdom in my inbox….“Don’t miss that store,” (suggesting, perhaps, that the disappearance of the mom ‘n pop shop due to the “Wal-Mart effect” is an economic reality that will have to be faced and dealt with); “Enjoy the newest but without any results,” (a helpful reminder that the latest technology won’t always make us more productive); “roly-poly acid rain,” (beats me, but intriguing all the same. Plus it would make a pretty good title for a song).

There was a final subject line that caught my attention: “Do you have power?” Well, do I? Do I have confidence enough in myself that I can achieve my goals despite setbacks and nay-sayers? Do I have the moral strength to--uh, hold on a minute. That one was from my mother asking whether we still had electricity after a recent storm. So, yes, I do have power in that sense.

At any rate, the next time you scan your inbox and note the bizarre and often grammatically unsound subject lines, take a moment to consider what truths they may hold for you. Just don’t click on any links--unless the e-mail is from your mom who, no doubt, has always dreamed of having sweet grandkids.